Part 1: I Hate Food!

I just created my very own Blog!!!!

I know its way late, and blogs have been around forEVER it seems, but now feels right for me.
So why now? Well.....why not, right? Ive been keeping records of my food on ye olde FaceBook (copyright? who cares..) for a while and Ive been told I should blog,,, but really? About what? Who would want my ideas on food or recipes? I'm a recovering Anorexic who would rather not eat anything than eat bad food! Oh....thats why!

So here it is; a blog about GOOD food, SIMPLE food, ENJOYABLE food, and food that makes you happy. Well maybe not you, but me. I like this food, it works for me. It makes me happy and makes me want to eat. Eating is no longer a hideous chore that must be done, it is now a way for me to expand, travel, create, love, honor, share and GROW. And EAT!

So here is an introduction to help you understand the WHY, in two parts.

PART ONE- I HATE FOOD
(but dont worry, part two is called i love food)

Anorexia nervosa is a psychiatric illness that describes an eating disorder characterized by extremely low body weight and body image distortion with an obsessive fear of gaining weight. Individuals with anorexia nervosa are known to control body weight commonly through the means of voluntary starvation, excessive exercise, or other weight control measures such as diet pills or diuretic drugs. While the condition primarily affects adolescent females, approximately 10% of people with the diagnosis are male. Anorexia nervosa, involving neurobiological, psychological, and sociological components, is a complex condition that can lead to death in the most severe cases.
-Wikipedia.com

I first realized I had issues with anorexia about 3 months after I really started making anorexic decisions. It wasn't on purpose at first, not at all; I was working at the New London Barn Playhouse at the time, a summer stock theatre in NH where I grew up. The Barn was where I spent all of my summers, it was all I looked foward to sometimes. Picture it, the year 2002. I had just finished my freshman year of high school, I was 15 years old, 4'8" tall, and I weighed about 150lbs. I knew I was short, I knew I was fat, but I was happy! I had made peace with my weight and I knew it would never hold me back.

I started working in the kitchen of the theatre, where the actors and staff ate 3 meals daily. It was my job to set the tables, help with food prep, and clean the entire dining room and kitchen when the meal was over. I was also in every production that summer. So what with my rehersal schedule, performace schedule, and my actual work schedule, who had time to eat?! I began to give excuses as to why I wasn't eating at all meals- I was a picky eater, I was allergic, I just didn't like what was served. Again, by this time I wasnt even aware of my actions. I WAS busy! I didnt feel too weak, and I was tired from dancing and performing nonstop. I began only eating comfort food, that is, crap food that I enjoyed.

By the time anyone first noticed my weight loss, I had also grown a few inches and the weight loss was explained away as a long awaited growth spurt. Yeah, yeah, thats all.

This was also the summer I learned I was Gay. I knew I was different, but in a small town where anyone different leaves as soon as they can, I was just a freak. I made friends with one of the stage managers at the Barn that summer, Kat, who called herself Bisexual, and so did I! I also developed a crush on one of the actors there, Alan who, to this day, I'm still not sure if he was gay or straight...That was when I realized I would never have sex if I was fat. This is a thought forced on us by the media I know, but it still got me. So I jumped on board the Anorexia train and bought a working class ticket.

By the time I went back to school as a sophomore, my mother and brother had moved out of our family home. So there I was, living alone with my father, in charge of all of my own food. Beautiful!!! I would tell him I packed my own lunch and he wouldnt press. At school, I would sit with different tables during different periods, explaing that I ate my lunch at another table or during another period. I snacked just enough during after school rehearsals so no one ever asked.

This plan worked flawlessly for about a year, during which I continued to grow another 3 inches somehow. My story was that I was simply in the middle of a long growth spurt, which appeared to stretch me out as I grew. My mom asked me a few times if I was eating and keeping it down...I lied to her face without even blinking. These years are a bit hazy now, what with the anorexia and my family falling apart before my eyes. I remember thinking I was in charge, I could stop anytime i wanted to. Sometimes I still think that, which is a constant reminder of my disease. Day by day...day by day...

I reached my lowest weight my senior year. 2005, 17 years old and 110 pounds. Now, thats not bad considering what most go through. I am everyday gratefull for my sense of limits and what could seriously hurt. You can go There, but never ever go THERE.

I spent the summer as an acting intern at the Barn, something I had looked foward to for years, but could not have hated more. The other actors did Not treat me so well....As I went off to collge, I made the decision to eat more normally. I did not want to be one of those who went off to college and was in the hospital before christmas, because That's how easy it would have been. College was a new beginning for me! I was going to go to Plymouth State University, an alright school to start out at (or so I thought), where I would rule the department, party and sleep around! Yeah!

Heres the thing. I didnt get accepted to PSU. Suddenly I found myself moving back home for the new school year, where I would be attending NHTI a local tech school, and I would have to be driven in by anyone who could help since I didnt have a license. A fat girl would have reached for the ice cream, I decided I would never eat again. I then bought a business class ticket on the old 'RexicTrain.

By this time, my mother had moved back in with my dad, and I was in my room again. Since I had no car, I would spend most of my time in Concord, where the tech school was. People would drop me off at school sometimes 3-4 hours before I had class and would pick me up after I had been out for 6 or 7...thats the only time they could drive me so thats that. I somehow claimed to have enough money to buy myself food during the day, so again, my parents questions weren't really an issue.

By second semester, I made sure I was living at the school. I had a dorm room, a shitty room mate who never went to class, no freinds, an easy class schedule and a meal plan I used rarely. It was during This time when I decided my intestines were 6 inches long. As soon as I ate anything, I would have to have a BM. Tooooo soooooooon. As I was still chewing sometimes. I had to make the decision whether to go to class and work, or eat. If I ate, I was in the bathroom for the rest of the day.

I gave up food altogether.

I had a job at a bagel shop for 5 months, and never so much as tasted their food. I would go to the dining hall and stock up on some food once or twice a week, which I would eat at night when I wouldnt miss anything while I was in the bathroom.

Thats all for Part One I Hate Food. Next time will be when I am Finally at PSU and visit NYC for the first time.